This time England please, I’m too old to cry now

We'll be cheering this time won't we?

Here we go then. It’s World Cup time!!!

1966

I was born in 1961 but much to my disgust, I just don’t remember the 1966 finals. Typical that I was alive when it happened but I can’t remember England lifting the trophy.

1970

The first one I remember is 1970 in Mexico. 2-0 up against Germany in the quarter-final and coasting. Two late German goals to equalise and one in extra-time and we have an eight year old boy in floods of tears.

1974

Then came 1974. Well, my tears came in the 1-1 draw against Poland at Wembley in 1973 which meant that the tournament in West Germany would go ahead without England.

1978

1978 was even worse. The tournament in Argentina was a real spectacle but once again, England didn’t make it. In qualifying, England produced an absolutely damp squib of a performance to see Italy knock us out. I was sixteen by now and the tears I shed were in the privacy of my bedroom.

1982

Having qualified for 1982 in Spain my hopes of England success were high. The Keegan and Brooking partnership looked good. Of course, neither of them were fit to play more than about ten minutes each. Despite that, wins against France, Czechoslovakia and Kuwait saw us sail into the second round group stage. In the second round we drew with Germany and with Spain (thanks to Keegan and Brooking coming off the bench and both missing great chances) and we were eliminated from the tournament without losing a game and conceding just one goal. By now I had started to watch football in the pub and my tears had to be produced in the gents toilets.

1986

1986 in Mexico was the tournament that I was sure we would win. We started really badly but scraped through to the round of sixteen thanks to a Gary Lineker hat-trick against Poland. Paraguay were seen off comfortably in that round to set up a quarter-final against Argentina. I knew we could beat them and that if we did we had every chance of winning the cup. As it was, one piece of cheating and one piece of brilliance from ‘bloody Maradona’ meant that it was all over for another four years. After I had shouted at the television, kicked anything I could find to kick and vowed to write to FIFA to demand that Maradona be banned for life, I retired to my now marital bedroom and allowed a tear to slide down my face.

1990

I didn’t think we had much hope in 1990 in Italy and draws against the Republic of Ireland and Holland followed by an unconvincing 1-0 win over Egypt did little to change my mind. Then, despite being outplayed for long periods by Belgium in the round of sixteen, David Platt gave us victory in the dying seconds of extra-time. The quarter-final saw us battered by Cameroon but two Gary Lineker penalties gave us an extra-time win and a semi-final against Germany. Now I was sure that the World Cup had England’s name written on it. Unfortunately, Stuart Pearce and Chris Waddle missed their penalties in the shoot-out (they’re still looking for Waddle’s ball) and a, by now, grown man, was forced to shed yet another tear.

1994

I am a Watford fan and as such Graham Taylor is one of my heroes. Unfortunately he was totally out of his depth in the England job and defeats to Norway and Holland meant that we didn’t make it to the tournament in 1994 in the USA. The devastation I felt about not qualifying and the failure of one of my heroes was enough to make a grown man…well, you know.

1998

Under Glen Hoddle I was pretty sure we had a good chance in 1998 in France. He made some strange decisions to leave out the young Michael Owen and David Beckham despite every single other person in England thinking they should play, but after a disappointing defeat to Romania he put them in saying he had always intended to. Yeh right Glen! A Beckham inspired England made it out of the group with victory over Columbia and it was the old enemy Argentina in the round of sixteen. Revenge would be ours! It looked good for a while with Michael Owen scoring that goal but then Becks kicked out petulantly and the ten men were holding on. They valiantly held on to extra-time and I was drunkenly and manically celebrating Sol Campbell’s winner until I suddenly realised it had been disallowed. This time it was Paul Ince and David Batty who couldn’t find the net from twelve yards and this time they were snotty, drunken tears of total deflation.

2002

When Sven Goran Eriksson took us to 2002 in Japan and South Korea I sensed that I could well be celebrating a World Cup win for the first time. Without being brilliant the group stage went to plan and we even beat and knocked out Argentina with a winner by Beckham. (Some revenge anyway). When we destroyed Denmark in the round of sixteen, I became sure that we would beat Brazil in the quarter-final and at long last I would be celebrating an England triumph. Unfortunately we didn’t bother turning up for the game and got knocked out without a whimper. More frustration, more disappointment and more tears.

2006

The big chance for the so called ‘golden generation’ of English football came in 2006 in Germany. Two unconvincing wins and a draw in the group stage and a stuttering victory over Ecuador in the round of sixteen saw us up against Portugal in the quarter-final. They were definitely beatable and I started to allow myself to get excited. Unfortunately Rooney’s temper and Cristiano Ronaldo being an absolute winker meant we went to the dreaded penalties again. This time none of our players could hit a bloody barn door and out we went again. The players were crying on the pitch and I was crying into my beer yet again.

2010

When oh when will I be able to celebrate an England success? I think it could be in 2010 in South Africa. Come on England! They won’t let me down will they? I’m nearly fifty for goodness sake, it isn’t dignified to cry in public at that age!