Thursday, January 19, 2017

All they want for Christmas a Premier League manager’s tail

David Nugent in Editorial, English Premier League 22 Dec 2016

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Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho's just opened his Christmas present

Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho’s just opened his Christmas present

While Santa Claus is visiting millions of houses around the world this Christmas as always we must spare a thought for those poor Premier League bosses.

Made to work at Christmas in their well-tailored designer suits or in Tony Pulis’ case tracksuit, these are the fall guys of the football industry.

These are the guys that just get the sack (a bit like Santa) if things go pear-shaped at their clubs, even if at times it is down to the completely useless bunch of players they are managing.

Here is what should or could be heading to those bosses over the festive period:

Ronald Koeman (Everton)

A new goalkeeper, centre-back, midfielder, winger, well basically team

The legendary Dutchman has learnt fast that he was sold a Larda that was advertised as a Ferrari. Well, they do say you need to be careful of the small print in contracts. He has inherited a team with little spirit, quality or will to win.

Koeman is already being linked with spending the clubs Christmas money in the January sales on some of last year’s hottest properties in Memphis Depay and Morgan Schneiderlin.

The pair certainly cannot do any worse than the current lot and once the Dutchman sets his tree up how he wants it the good ship Everton should be in far better shape.

Mike Phelan (Hull)

Just some luck

Poor Mike must be thinking he is cursed after his team’s 1-0 defeat at West Ham. Three times the Tigers hit the woodwork. The Hammers then stole all three points courtesy of a 76th-minute penalty from Mark Noble.

Phelan’s squad is not exactly the greatest in the top-flight, so no doubt he would like a few new players, but until January I am sure he would settle for a bit luck over the festive period.

Jurgen Klopp (Liverpool)

Some black ice for Chelsea

Klopp is the sort of guy that is hard to dislike. Liverpool could not win the title under a more likeable boss and that is coming from an Everton fan! The Reds, of course, are in the title race this season, but that dastardly Chelsea have gone six points clear of the Merseysider’s.

Liverpool fans know all about slip-ups in title races, but the best gift the Reds could get is if the south-west London Blues slipped up a couple of times. Well, I suppose that is the best gift that any of the top five could ask for.

Arsene Wenger (Arsenal)

Courage for some of his players

Arsenal seem like the real deal a lot of the time in the title race, then their bottle goes completely. Like a toddler on Christmas morning they just seem to lose all sense of control.

They are like the Lion in the Wizard of OZ (good film reference there for Christmas). However, instead of them having a wizard they have a professor who cannot seem to give the heart they need.

Don’t worry Arsene. Santa Claus might have a few ideas in that giant sack of his Wenger. Because at odds of 10/1 to win the title the bookies certainly do think you can give the players what they need.

Jose Mourinho (Manchester United)

A title

Yes, Santa should bring Mourinho one of those titles that you can buy on the internet. Something like Lord of Old Trafford should suffice. He likes titles, so the title seems like an ideal present. It’s also the only title he will get near to in the near future.

Pep Guardiola (Manchester City)

A beginner’s guide to winning the second ball

It seems that good old Pep is struggling with the very English concepts of the tackle and winning the second ball. He has bamboozled La Liga and Bundesliga opposition bosses with his tactical genius. However, at the moment Pep is finding life a lot more difficult in England.

Slaven Bilic (West Ham)

A fit striker that can actually score goals

When a team is relying on their defensive midfielder to win games 1-0 at home you now there is something majorly wrong with the team’s forward players. The Hammers forward players have scored two goals between them. Meanwhile captain Mark Noble now has equalled that tally in his past two appearances for the Irons.

Diafra Sakho has scored once in the top-flight this season, so has Andy Carroll. The former is now out for up to eight weeks through injury and Carroll is just enjoying one of those short stints of the campaign where he is not in the treatment room.

Bilic may get lucky in the January sales with the money that his two uncle Dave’s and auntie Karen throw his way. If not it’s back to relying on Mark Noble from set-pieces for goals.

Which Premier League clubs boss needs a Christmas gift the most?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

David Nugent


David is a freelance football writer with nearly a decade of experience writing about the beautiful game. The 33-year-old has written for over a dozen websites and also an international soccer magazine offline.
Arguably his best work has come as an editorial writer for Soccernews, sharing his good, bad and ugly opinions on the world’s favourite sport. During David’s writing career he has written editorials, betting previews, match previews, banter, news and opinion pieces.

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